I Need You
by petite etoile22
Summary: An estranged mother and daughter learn that sometimes, you have to leave the world of espionage behind and face the truth that real life brings.
1. Prologue

**This was inspired by an idea on the spooks forum...**

* * *

Connie pursed her lips in frustration as Ros absent-mindedly flicked her nose. It was a habit of hers and she had been doing it for so long that she didn't even notice anymore. Connie noticed though and it annoyed her greatly. It annoyed her not only because she thought it was the stupidest habit one could have, but also because there was one other person she knew who had that habit and he was someone she would rather forget. Ros flicked her nose one last time and Connie snapped.

"Must you do that!" she hissed.

"Do what?"

"Flick your damn nose!"

"I can't help it!"

"Well maybe you should try to help it"

"Well maybe you should've- Malcolm!…Have you seen the new waterfall files? Connie can't seem to find them"

"Yes, I've been rather distracted"

"N-No" Malcolm stuttered before dashing off, uncomfortable to be in the presence of such domineering women. Ros paused for a moment before rolling her eyes at Connie.

"Tch, your father always did that"

"My father always remembered my birthdays"

"That's because your father didn't have to save the country on a daily basis as well as deal with disciplinary matters…"

"One time! I punched someone one time!" Ros whispered fiercely.

"Anyway, you turned out alright. I was just preparing you for the real world"

"Bollocks! You bloody liar! You used to say my Christmas presents were late because they got lost in the post…"

"They did"

"The postmarks read December 27th!"

Harry swooped onto The Grid, cutting their lovely trip down memory lane short. He looked at them from afar and was hit once more by the strange feeling he got when he was around them. It was as if he was seeing two versions of the same person. And if it weren't for their files, he wouldn't have been surprised to find that they were related. He smiled as a confused look was mirrored in each woman's face.

"Did anyone tell you that you could be related?" he commented as he walked by. If he had stayed a second longer he would've caught the knowing glance between the two women. Ros often wondered about their strange relationship and if it had affected her life in any way. She had a stepmother and a father, and then she had Connie. Connie, who was more interested in State Meetings than Parents' Evenings. It wasn't her fault though; it was what they had agreed after all. Her father had explained it to her as soon as she turned 7 and the eccentric woman who flitted in and out of her life now had a rather abstract title: Mother.

* * *

Ros sat on the embankment, sulking. Her day had not ended well. One of her assets had been taken out and as usual all the blame had been pinned on her. She was so wrapped up in her melancholy thoughts that she didn't even notice the offering of chips until she felt their warmth on her lap. It was Connie.

"I thought you needed cheering up" she explained.

"Someone could see you"

"I thought cheering you up was a bit more important. Besides, I have ways of getting people to keep quiet. After all, they haven't found out about us yet have they?"

"I suppose not…I'm…y'know…about this morning"

"I think the word you're looking for is sorry"

"You don't care about me…"

"Who are you? Adam?"

"You don't. You're more of a mother to Malcolm than to me"

"It's more complicated with you"

"Thanks" Ros sighed, before walking away. When she had signed the official secrets act, she hadn't assumed that one 'state secret' would be that Connie Jones was her mother.


	2. What Mothers Do

**Okay, here's a warning: I decided to make this half angst, half comedy. This is the angst part and will last for quite a while. It's sad but I felt like they needed something to kick their relationship into gear.**

* * *

"You stupid, stupid girl!" Connie cried as she checked Ros over.

"You know I couldn't leave. Anyway, t-the _special _interrogation methods…I'm fine. Ok? I'm fine, so stop it"

"I'm sorry. Am I forbidden to feel anything as your handler?"

"Eh, go ahead. At least I know you can feel then"

"Cheek!" Connie smiled while she bundled her into the car.

"Are we going back to Thames House?"

"Unfortunately. The DG wants this cleared up ASAP"

"…When I was in there, I was thinking-"

"You should never take those kinds of thoughts seriously"

"Please…I thought; _I have no idea why Connie decided to keep me_."

"Rosalind-"

"I mean, you were moving up the work ladder and father already had two children. You could've stuck me in a convent; or had an abortion"

"Believe it or not, I actually loved you. So much so, that I tried to give you as normal a life as possible."

"Did you love father?"

"For a while…It was a one night stand. We were both lonely and drunk. I suppose we were just grateful that we didn't have to lie to one another because we didn't intend to know each other for that long."

"What happened?"

"We got to know each other: Mistake no.1. Then we started an affair: Mistake no.2. Then I got pregnant-"

"Mistake no.3?"

"Then I got pregnant and we realised that we couldn't do it anymore. We couldn't play all these games; we had to grow up. Jocelyn had always wanted another child and was overjoyed at the news. I was lost; I didn't know what to do. My op finished in two weeks, and then where would we be? It was your father who came up with the idea. He would raise you and I could visit whenever I wanted. You'd be protected from the stigma of being a lovechild and I'd still see my daughter. It was a win-win situation…"

"But?"

"Your step mother got involved. The first time I got to see you was when you were four years old. Do you remember?"

"You were dressed in black. I thought someone had died"

"I took you to feed the ducks and then we had ice cream"

"In December" Ros laughed softly. Her real laugh.

"But I wasn't your mother. I could never really be that"

"I don't see why. Annabel didn't try really hard, and it's too late now; she's dead"

"But she was there when you needed her"

"And you're not" she whispered.

"I'm not"

"But you don't even try. You support Malcolm-"

"You don't let me support you. You pretend everything's alright."

"I'm not having this conversation."

"Rosalind…"

"You have no right to use that voice. You could've been my mother but you chose the service. You chose a world where your daughter doesn't exist, and you like it that way"

"I had to live in the real world. And I do not like it"

"If you didn't like it then you would've told Harry. You didn't. Harry's one of your closest friends, the epitome of discretion but you still couldn't bring yourself to tell him about me. I could've died today, in fact I could die tomorrow and you would still care about this job more. It's noteverything, they're not everything, you can't have _everything_. Something has to give. Tell me when you're not ashamed of being my mother because I'd really like to know."

"Rosalind!" Connie called after the retreating figure "Rosalind!"

* * *

Harry knew that something was wrong with Connie as soon as he entered his office and saw her drinking from his best decanter of scotch. She ran her fingers through her silver hair and sighed. She'd kept Ros secret for the best part of 34 years and she hadn't stopped to think what it might've done to the child. They hadn't stopped playing at all. If they were honest with themselves, they'd just changed the name of the game. Connie sniffed and pinched her nose in a vain attempt to block her tear ducts. Harry closed the door, took a seat opposite her and poured himself some of the amber liquid. He had a feeling he was going to need it.

"Do you ever think we get too good at keeping secrets?"

He thought about Ruth and her new life. He could only muster a small "Yes"

"You can spend a whole lifetime lying in this job"

"All for the greater good"

"Still lies though, isn't it?"

"They're an ugly necessity in our line of work"

"She could've died tonight. All because 6 lied to us"

"I know. But they warn us in the contract…Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"

"I'm too good at lying Harry"

Silence. Harry knew Connie too well. She didn't need prompts; not when she had a story to tell.

"I've wiped people off the face of the earth. I've left people without an identity, living only on what they can patch together. I've neglected the most basic rules of humankind…I abandoned my child Harry. What kind of woman does that?"

Harry was taken aback. There had never been any indication of a family. Connie was discreet and she had probably only told him because he was the only one to match her in such a skill.

"A woman who wants the best for her child. A brave woman…Sometimes, sometimes we have to leave the ones we love behind in order to protect them, to save them"

"I tried to be a mother but I wasn't there"

"Did you?"

"What?"

"Try? Do the best that Connie James could do?"

"No"

"At least you're trying now"

"Pardon?"

"With Malcolm. At least you're trying now"

Connie stood, downing the last of her alcohol and brushing the fresh batch of tears from her face.

"I'd better get going. Oh, and Harry…"

"I won't say a word. Your secret's safe with me"

* * *

Connie saw the kitchen light on and knew that something was up. She put it down to spy's instinct, as she didn't dare use the term mother's intuition. She hurried up the cold stone steps, took the key from the drainpipe (she knew because that's where she hid her own keys), and rushed up the stairs two at a time. Ros was curled into a tight ball on the kitchen floor where she had slumped to five hours ago after reading the letter which now lay under the fridge, a solitary brown corner peeking out like a timid mouse. Sobs wracked her body and interfered with her breathing so much that it looked like she was hyperventilating. The bruises from the op looked even more grotesque as they clashed with the red blotchy skin on her face. Connie had never known her to take an op so badly. _But then I don't really know her at all, do I?_ She thought bitterly to herself. She drew her daughter into her arms and gently began to rock her back and forth, muttering soothing words into her ear.

"It's alright, it's going to be alright"

"I need him"

"It's alright"

"Why? Why did he have to die?"

So she was upset about her father's death. The heart attack had been sudden and the doctors were unable to do anything as Jocelyn had signed a DNR request.

"It's alright? I'm here now…"

"Connie?"

"Yes Rosalind, it's me"

"I need you…I really need you _mum_" as soon as that word was uttered, Connie felt the icy tendrils of fear curl around her heart, and they stuck fast.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't…"

"What wrong Ros?"

"I-I…"

"Ros…"

"I'm scared"

"Don't worry. If you tell me I can fix it"

"You can't"

"I'll try. I told Harry, well sort of. He thinks its Malcolm but I'll set him straight first thing tomorrow. I'll set him straight if you tell me what's wrong"

"I'm really scared _mum_" Again, the word hit her like a bolt from the blue.

"Please, if you tell me I can make it better. I promise"

"This isn't an op. You can't make promises like that"

"I can make promises like that and I will, because that's what mothers do"

"Mum…" Connie looked into her daughter's eyes and felt the grip of the tendrils tighten.

"I've got cancer"

* * *

**I thought Ros would be that emotional with the trauma of her op added to the trauma of her discovery. I know she's strong and an Ice Queen but I wanted Connie to see her real daughter, the one who allowed herself to be scared. Please review.**


	3. History Repeating

The silence hung in the air, suffocating the two women. Connie felt her grip on the world loosen slightly and was angered by it. She didn't know what to say. Even if she did, she wouldn't have wanted to say anything, because if you say it; you have to admit it's real. And at this moment it time, Connie really didn't want to admit the fact that her little girl could be dying.

"What-What kind?"

"Stage 3 lymphoma"

"Okay…"

"93 survival rate. I have worse odds than that in the field…"

"Still doesn't make it better though…"

"Not at all… I start chemo next week"

"That soon?"

"I didn't feel like waiting… They said it was best to start as soon as possible…"

"I don't understand. Why didn't this show up on the medical?"

" My weight loss wasn't that bad and I put all the other symptoms down to stress. They gave me three days off and after that, I thought everything would be fine…until I found the lump. So I started to prepare. I got my eggs frozen, I drafted another will..."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You weren't there"

"I'm-"

"I need you to do me a favour"

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to give me a haircut"

"Rosalind…"

"Please. Just pretend you're a hairdresser… Dad used to do that all the time when I was little"

"Okay, I'll do it"

They sat in silence and the harsh sound of the scissors attacking her daughter's blonde locks deafened Connie. The teardrops, which hit the bare wooden floorboards, marked the passing time. Time, which seemed to be slipping slowly from each woman's grasp. They had chosen a style from one of the various high fashion magazines Ros had lying around.

"Rosalind?"

"Yes?"

"I… Is this alright?"

"It's perfect. Do you think they'll say anything?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes… It always has"

"They're your friends. Whatever they say will be said with integrity and respect"

"I don't want pity"

"I don't think they'll dare to pity you"

Ros ran her fingers through her drastically shortened hair and smiled. Connie had decided to attempt a pixie cut. Staring at her reflection, Ros felt that everything had changed. She turned to face Connie and smiled. Her real smile.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful"

"You have to say that. You're my mum"

"No really, you look beautiful" she brushed away a stray tear.

* * *

Jo tried to mask her surprise as Ros entered the grid that morning and headed straight to Harry's office. It was not the woman's new look that had surprised her, but the hand positioned on her back. The hand, which belonged to Connie Jones.

"Connie, how are you?"

"I'm fine. I know now isn't really a good time-"

"There's never really a good time. But we have to make do with our lot. What do you to tell me?"

"I just thought you'd like to meet my daughter" she gently pushed Ros forward.

"Your daughter?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I misled you about Malcolm…we had a talk last night…about a lot of things…and we decided you deserved to know the truth, the truth about everything"

"What else did you decide?"

"I decided I needed a break. I want to be referred to desk duty" Ros spoke softly

"Is this about your 'questioning'? Ros, we were lied to, it won't-"

"It will. You know that and I know that so what's the point in lying?"

"Go to Tring, take some time off. You're a good field officer. I know this whole Ana affair caused some added stress. Is it Adam?"

"No, it's cancer"

Time stopped for a moment.

"Cancer?"

"Yes"

"You started Chemo?"

"I start on monday" Ros smiled. It was just like Harry to face adversity without hesitation.

"We'll write it up and send it straight to the DG. It'll all be under wraps so you can tell people in your time."

"Thank you"

"In the meantime, go home and get some rest"

"I will…" she rushed forward and gave him a tight hug. Harry tried to ignore the fact that soon, such strength would be lost. He returned it with equal grip.

"Don't worry Rosalind, you'll beat this bastard of a disease"

* * *

Ros sat in the hospital bed, carefully breaking her polystyrene cup into miniscule pieces. She was more scared than she had ever been in her life. She was unaware of the nurse preparing the drugs and the doctor that had just entered her room until he cleared his throat.

"Miss Myers?"

"Please, call me Ros. We're going to be seeing a lot of each other"

"Yes…Ros, your tests came back fine. We can start the therapy if you're ready"

"I'm ready"

The doctor lent forward and picked up the needle. She shivered involuntarily.

"Sorry… I have a thing about needles"

"That's alright" he said gently as he slid the instrument in. Her battle had begun.

* * *

Ros was asleep by the time Harry got the hospital. He entered quietly and caught sight of Connie holding the blonde's hand, whilst battling her own tears. He sat down and gently placed his hand on her arm, letting his presence be known.

"How are the others?"

"They send their love"

She turned to him; her eyes glistening with unshed fears.

"I don't know what to do" she whispered, never once taking her eyes of the sleeping form.

"You can't do anything"

"Second cycle ends tomorrow"

"When does the next one start?"

"Two weeks"

"It so soon…"

"Yes… Can't give it a chance to fight back… I'm afraid Harry"

"Everything's going to be fine. In three years time, you can put this all behind you"

"It's the here and now that I'm scared of. It's the truth I'm scared of"

"Don't be. Right here, right now, you have your daughter"

Connie broke down. Harry merely pulled her close and held her there.

"She's been going through this for two months and it's going to get worse before it gets better. I sit there and watch her lying there in pain. She can't eat, she can barely sleep, her hair… They spilt some of the drugs yesterday and it burnt the lino. That's what she's going through Harry, and I can't even tell her that I love her."

"Connie…"

"You know, on that very first night, I just laid there not daring to sleep for fear that I might lose her. How history repeats itself Harry, how history repeats itself"


	4. Deserving Normal

**This is quite a short chapter but promise to update soon.**

* * *

"You look gorgeous!" he blurted as Ros ran up to him. They shared a chaste kiss before entering the cinema and queuing up. 

"I'm really looking forward to this"

"So am I. When are you back?"

"Thursday"

"I'm in on Friday so we could meet up and talk over the lunch that will make us sick"

"I'd love that…I was wondering…."

"What?"

"I was wondering if you'd like to come round to mine for Christmas. I-If it's not any trouble"

"It's no trouble at all" he grinned.

"It's bloody freezing Tim!"

"We'll be in soon"

"Is my-"

"Your scarf's fine. You look great. So great, I think I'll miss half the film"

"As long as you're missing it with me, I don't care" she whispered playfully in his ears.

* * *

Ros snorted at the dubious Chippendale impression Zaf and Adam were doing for her. They were her friends and saw the real Ros, not the Ros that could barely stand at times and slept for hours at a time because fighting took up all her energy. She threw of her blanket and gestured for them to help her to her feet. They willingly obliged and ignored the fact that they could easily wrap thumb and finger round her bicep. 

"Boys, I really think you should put your shirts on. We're leaving"

"Fine…Are you sure you want to go to the grid?"

"I thought next door's tabby could be an informant. I have to get out. Besides, I only have two days left before my next cycle"

"You have a good point" Zaf conceded.

Connie's face lit up when she caught sight of Ros entering through the pods. She had fretted all week about leaving Ros alone but she had coped surprisingly well. _She is 34. What did you think would happen?_ She kissed her gently on her covered head and settled back to work, refreshed by her daughter's presence.

"What's going on?"

"Oh the usual, everyone wants to blow up London"

"Nothing's changed there then"

"How are you feeling?"

"Like crap"

"Honesty is the best policy"

"Zaf said you were going to the George after work"

"You coming? It's j-"

"Of course, I could do with a nice meal before the mere mention of food makes me retch" the end of her sentence was obscured by a jaw cracking yawn.

"Ros, You look ex-"

"Stop worrying. I'm fine"

* * *

Harry carefully helped Ros onto the sofa and offered her a cup of tea instead of the usual coffee. He wasn't sure if she was allowed obscene amounts of caffeine and didn't want to risk harming her. Once more his thoughts wandered to Ruth and how she would've been so much better at dealing with this. 

"Thinking about her?"

"Yes" There was no need to say her name. They both knew there was only one person who could cause such sadness to appear in his chestnut brown eyes.

"I catch myself doing that too"

"Pardon?"

"Letting my mind drift to the past. It's easier that dealing with the future"

"What about that nice young man Connie was telling me about?" he asked, changing the subject "Tom?"

"Tim, and his white blood count's back to normal"

Harry thought it sad that everything in her life had been reduced to the results of blood tests. They loved each other, that much was true, but had held back for fear that if one of them lost the battle, it would surely kill the other.

"I meant your date" he smiled at the sight of her blush.

"It was just lunch in the canteen"

"Marriages have been built on less"

"So have wars"

"Your counter-interrogation methods won't work on me"

"… We went to the cinema on Monday. It was nice; it was normal"

"Good. You deserve normal".

Ros leant back and closed her eyes. She had become a shadow of her former self. Her strength of heart had remained the same, but it couldn't stop her from shrinking away.

"Back to 'prison' on Thursday. Cycle Five"

"You're nearly halfway through-"

"Well, it seems like an eternity now" she rubbed her temples.

"Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine"

"Take a rest"

"Harry…"

"Please, for my sake. Just a quick nap on the sofa" he pleaded, closing the blinds as he went.

"Just don't tell Connie" she conceded, allowing Harry to drape his huge woollen overcoat over her tiny frame.

* * *

The pub was noisy for a Wednesday night and Ros was putting all her energy into ignoring the cavemen pounding her skull to pieces. Despite taking Harry's advice of a nap, she still felt drained although she would never show that to the others. She had seen the fear in Connie's eyes each time she closed her own and didn't want to cause her mother further worry. The bile rose in her stomach, causing her to sprint to the bathroom. Her throat burnt like fire from the exertion and her parched lips stung from the contact with the stomach acid. She wondered what had caused such a reaction and came to the conclusion that it must've been the tea; Harry had put milk in it, forgetting that she had become lactose intolerant. She struggled onto her feet, managing to get all the way to the bar before she collapsed. Connie was the first by her side, sweeping her hair from her sweat-covered brow. 

"You're burning up. We have to get you to hospital"

"I-I can't breathe!"

"Calm down, everything's going to be ok"

"I-I can't b-breathe, it h-hurts!"

"Ssh…you need to calm down…" she whispered softly.

"I-I don't want to…"

"Nothing bad is going to happen" she pulled Ros close, tracing patterns on her back to soothe her. Ros felt her mind shut down and made on last-ditch attempt to hold onto consciousness.

"Mum? Mum?"

"I'm right here darling"

"I lo-" she managed to mutter before her world went black as sleep claimed her.


	5. Christmas Miracles

Harry found Connie sitting in the relatives room with her head in her hands, and for a moment he feared the worst.

"What did they say?"

"It's just a chest infection. If you can call what happened _just_ a chest infection"

"So what does it mean?"

"It means she's alive, but her treatment's been set back a couple of months"

"How did she take the news?"

"Badly, which is why I'm sitting out here"

"Has she tried-"

"Tim's in there now" she cut in with a weak smile.

"They get on quite well don't they?"

"He makes her happy and that's all I can ask for. When they're together, I see the Ros that was meant to be shown to the world; the Ros she always wanted to be"

"I managed to get leave for Ros on Christmas"

"How?"

"Under the strict instruction that we all spend it at your house, so she doesn't exert herself travelling and receives optimum bed rest"

"Thank you," Connie struggled to get out through her tears, "thank you so much"

* * *

Ros lay there on Tim's tear soaked shoulder and pulled herself together. It was a setback; a minor setback and she had had plenty of those in the field. But she couldn't bear to see that her illness wasn't black and white. She wasn't just fighting cancer, she was fighting all the shit that came along with it too.

"Ros?"

"Yes?"

"If we beat this thing, will you marry me?"

"…When I can bear to think about the future, I find I have so many plans…"

"And?"

"And they all involve you"

"So you'll marry me?"

"Yes Timothy McIntyre, I will marry you"

"So what exactly are your plans Mrs McIntyre?"

"You, me and a lovely little house in London. I've always wanted to live in one, spent most of my life in international embassies"

"Children?"

"Two or Four"

"Not three?" he laughed.

"I'm a middle child. I would never inflict that on another being" she chuckled.

"Let's settle on two"

"And we'll call them beautiful names like Ellinor and Daniel"

"Sounds lovely"

"It will be" she whispered, squeezing his hand tightly to confirm their promise.

* * *

The news went down a storm amongst the team. They had needed some good news and nothing than a Christmas dinner becoming an engagement celebration. The days up to Christmas were overflowing with excitement and Ros discovered a hidden strength with Tim by her side. Connie entered her room and found Ros staring out the window at the light snowfall. The flakes danced as if they were at some imperial ball of days gone by.

"It'll get better mum"

"I know Ros, I know"

"Whatever happens will be what's best for me"

"Don't talk like that"

"I'm not giving up. For God's sakes, Tim asked me to marry him!"

"I'm sorry, it's just… It's Christmas"

"… They call this a minor setback but it doesn't feel minor"

"They never do. In three years time you'll put this all behind you"

"I hope so"

"They're serving dinner. Are you ready to come down?"

"Yes… I can't believe they're staying for three days" she wheezed slightly as she slowly made her way down the staircase. The others met her at the bottom and gently helped her to the seat closest the fire. Wes stared at her with apprehension, unable to believe that this ghostly spectre was his father's friend Ros. She winked and he smiled; the eyes were the same and the eyes never lie (his dad had told him that). The Christmas mass on the radio added to the atmosphere, which Ros greedily drank in. She had always loved Christmas although she rarely told anyone for fear of being ridiculed. Her love was strange, as she had spent many a year alone in various boarding houses due to her family being called away on business. Jo was quietly snogging Zaf under a piece of mistletoe and Ros was pleased to see that the young blonde had found someone. Harry sat next to her, deep in thought.

"Have you and Tim set a date?"

"This time next year"

"That's one fairytale with a happy ending"

"You need her don't you?"

"I have to move on… I have a duty"

"Every still point of the turning world needs a reason to stay still"

"… It would take a miracle to bring her back"

"That what Christmas is for"

The dinner was so full of noise and laughter that Ros could barely think. Everyone was happy that was all that mattered. She'd be starting her treatment in the New Year and life would go on as it always had. They cleared away the table and started opening the presents. Ros was startled by the amount of presents just for her, and was nearly moved to tears when she saw the present from her mother.

"Go on, open it"

Ros gasped as the delicate necklace sparkled between her fingertips.

"I thought you could wear it on your wedding day"

"It's perfect… Come on then, who's next?"

* * *

_Some people think that the physical things, define what's within…_

Zaf turned up the volume and the soulful melody permeated the room. It was instinct that led them to their respective partners. Zaf and Jo clung to each other with an intense tenderness, while Ros and Tim's bodies moved as one. For them, this was a conscious decision. They clung to each other because as long as they felt each other's touch on their skin, there was no need to fear death because it didn't exist.

_And I've been there before, that life's a bore, so full of the superficial…_

Ros' heart fluttered with the notion that she was on the cusp of starting her second life. The one where she didn't have secrets or lies to tell, the life where there were no sacrifices to be made. Tim looked down at his wife-to-be and prayed that there was a god so he could thank him. He knew he'd have given up long ago if he hadn't seen her in that waiting room.

_Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all, if it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby…_

Harry looked at the young couples and the pain of his loss grew stronger. He needed Ruth because his heart was slowly withering without her. She was more than his soulmate; she was his life's breath. He hoped Ros was right because he was in desperate need of a miracle and had been for the past year and a half. Harry poured himself another glass of wine and stared at the ripples caused by his bitter tears.

_Some people want diamond rings and some just want everything, but everything means nothing if I ain't got you…_

The cold winter pavement was murder on her feet and she wished she had hailed a cab. A sign revealed she only fives minutes away from the man who could melt her heart which the river water had frozen. These present action could land her in a personal Armageddon but she didn't care. It was December, and she had always loved family Christmasses.

_Some people need three dozen roses, that's the only way to prove you love him…_

Jo always knew Zaf loved big romantic gestures, but she preferred these moments more. These moments when the world melted away and there was only Zaf and this intense feeling that she didn't understand. She liked it though, it made her feel real and like a woman. And she felt real because she knew she was the only person who mattered to him then.

_Hand me the world on a silver platter and what good would it be? With no one to share, with no one who truly cares for me…_

Adam looked over to Ros and was glad to see that she was truly happy. He knew they wouldn't have worked. For some reason, they felt compelled to lie to each other and each time she did he knew a part of her died. Even in her frail skeleton, he saw clearly the Ros that should've blossom. The Ros that was more perfect and more beautiful than shed blood on freshly fallen snow. The world was not a kind place for Rosalind Myers and if she wanted to survive she need someone who would always love and protect her. She needed Tim.

_Some just want everything, but everything means nothing if ain't got you…_

It was Harry who answered the door and felt his heart stop at the sight before him.

"Hello Harry"

"Ruth"

"Can I come in?"

She smiled, and Harry started to live again.

**

* * *

Please Review and Happy New Year!!!**


	6. Fin

**This was the only way I could end this. I tried for months for a happier ending, and maybe it is for Ros and Tim. We plan for everything but at the end of the day life isn't a plan, it's chance. And sometimes we run out of those.**

* * *

It ended in March.

"I can't do this anymore"

"Don't, please don't"

"I can't bear the thought of losing this, losing us"

"Then try. For me"

"I can't. Not anymore"

She sobbed as he walked away. She'd driven him away. When she got the news, it was a compulsion. A stupid, fearful compulsion. He was going to die, and she couldn't let that happen. Not to him. Not to Tim.

* * *

Harry visits her. She has an idea why but she doesn't want it to be true. He's come to pity her. He thinks she's a fool to let him go at this moment in time. Trouble is, he'll never understand. He can try to say they've all been through this, but he knows deep down that it isn't true.

"I got a phone call from Connie"

"You know"

He knew it wasn't a question.

"How-"

"It'll all be over by summer"

"That soon?"

"For an Ice Queen, it isn't very fitting"

"Ros..."

Ros breaks down. And for the first time ever, he sees her cry.

"The worst thing is that I won't just die. I'll forget you all; so at the very end, I'll be alone"

"Surely they can try..." his voice trailed away, knowing its futility.

"I relapsed within a year. Two infections in three months. Another round will kill me sooner than the cancer"

"But you were getting better"

"Connie-"

"Don't call her that. Not now"

"Mum thinks that too. It's her main argument for why I should live. But no fighting will stop this. Not anymore Harry"

* * *

She loses her movement in May.

She knows as soon as she wakes up what's happened. The terrible shooting pains in her spine and ankles, the swelling. She cries because it's the only grip on humanity she feels she has left. Connie cries along with Ros, clutching her only daughter, her baby, to her chest.

"It'll all be over in summer"

"I don't want it to over Ros"

"But it has to. It has to end"

"No"

"It hurts so much it has to end"

* * *

She loses her sight in June.

The colours disappear. She can't see the joy on Ruth's face when she gives birth to Peter. She can't see how beautiful Jo looks in her wedding dress. She can't see the tears that never leave her mother's face, the grief in her eyes.

"Tell me about the clouds Wes"

"One looks like a cat"

"I like cats"

Wes smiles. He knows she can't see him, but her eyes are still the same and that's all that matters.

"And there's a house"

"Really?"

"Yes... It's for you and mummy"

"You sure your mummy won't mind?"

"You looked after daddy down here. Now, you both can look after him. He'll be extra safe"

"So will you and everyone else. I'll protect you, you'll be safe"

"How do you know?"

"Because it's my job to protect people. It always has been and it always will"

She knocks the glass from the nightstand and he starts to cry. She doesn't scare him. No, what scares him is the fact that soon he'll never see those eyes again. Unseeing or not.

* * *

She loses her mind in August.

She hears in colours and sees in sound. People dance across her darkness as if Time and Space are now irrelevant. She finds it ironic that she has to rasp a speech at Tim's funeral. He was hit by a car of all things.

She's in a street. Empty but not from destruction, just empty. Empty like her head.

Her dad pushing her on the swings.

A glove in the water.

Her blonde hair floating down the river Thames.

A room full of Lampshades but she's not scared, not anymore.

In her treehouse, looking out onto the desert.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Soft sand beneath her feet.

Warm.

Her first boyfriend.

Luke.

Lukewarm.

Wet sand beneath her hands.

Cold.

S

E

E

P

I

N

G

It tickles.

Then everything

Falls

Into

Place.

Saltwater on her face.

Tears.

Someone's crying but it doesn't matter.

Nothing matters now.

Because Ros remembers everything and she'll never forget.

Ros ends on the last day of summer.


End file.
